Chapter 5: Ugly Cry Fest

(Laura, Me, Krista, Courtney M)

Senior year began quickly. My new roomie, Laura aka Sexy Turtle, and I, aka Polar Bear, were inseparable. We were on a quest to find Jesus and to figure out His plan for our lives. K-Town, CB, CM, LD and me (girls in a College Bible Study that I led).
All 5 of us spent alot of time giggling as I remember. We were off to a good start.

I had pretty much forgotten about my minor breakdown when I found out I would no longer have a band...life goes on right?

Life was exciting. Through many walks and talks with my best buddies at Converse, I grew to love my time of singleness and my time in Sparkle city more and more. I remember CM and I talking until 2am one night, sitting on the patio of Montgomery and whilst reminicing on boys and the summer, I told her the Lord was changing my heart for Spartanburg. As a Freshmen I was happy I got to go home during the Summer because there was just NOTHING TO DO in Sparkle City but now, I was starting love it. Sparkle City may just be the place for me.

The first week of Sunago could not come quickly enough. I was so excited to see all my friends from other schools and catch up on what they did that summer. I was excited to tell everyone about Colorado and how God met me there. I was excited, excited, excited...but not ready.

~~So sometimes I have high hopes for myself AKA I don't let myself properly grieve and then when the time comes, I have major UGLY CRY.

Walking into the infamous Hanger auditorium, I watched nervously as some guys stood on stage. The very same stage that our band had been on; the very same instruments we had, except now, there were different people playing them. It was all too familiar... but not, because I wasn't up there. It wasn't the Sunago band. Robert and Grace...weren't there.

I peeled my eyes away from the worship leader who I'm sure felt the death rays from my eyes at the back of his head. I held back hot and angry tears from my eyes and resolved "The Lord has a plan" as I sat quietly.

To say I didn't worship is an understatement. I was in the midst of a full-out WAR in my heart.
"I cannot believe we have been so easily replaced!"
"Who are these people anyway?"
"Are they college students? Because this is a college-student-led-group"
"Are they just here for tonight?"

Apparently I had some sort of entitlement to all of this. My pride told me that I should DEMAND an answer to all my questions and disbeliefs. By the end of the night, the sweet Holy Spirit whom I am sure I very quickly quenched, opened my eyes. "Be still."

I felt so incredibly guilty for those nasty thoughts that after Sunago was finished, I forced my legs to lead me toward the stage.

The guys were packing up their things and I finally caught the Worship Leader's eye. I waved and smiled and thanked him for being there to lead us in Worship. He was rather abrupt when he saw me and after I named dropped AKA  saying "I was part of the band that used to lead worship here...", he smiled thoughtfully.

As I heard those words escape my mouth, it hit me really hard.

WAS

I was

I was with the band....

that USED to lead worship...

Here...

But before falling into deep despair, Josh, the Worship Leader exclaimed loudly "Ohhhh you're Rachel! The Keyboardist! I heard y'alls CD! You are really good! I wanted to see if you'd like to play with our band!"