Chapter 7: Boys

So my track record with boys so far were...dated 1 guy.

not too shabby.

I remember coming in to Freshmen year at Converse, boys were on the radar CONSTANTLY. I had my whole checklist:

Christian, Check
Left handed, Check
Cute, Check Check
Blue Eyes, CHECK.

but this Checklist became and idol in my heart. God was quick to show that to me. So out went the list, in came "the boy I dated." When that was done, in came "singleness."

I put that in quotations not because I was not sincere about singleness, but because I wasn't single for very long. It was both a good and bad thing for me at the time.

See, after my heart was wrenched and then healed in Colorado then broken when my band left, to say that I was running away from commitment was an understatement. I had it all planned--Seminary in New Orleans, live in Italy for a year, go to a Californian vineyard and then Africa and maybe back to malaysia for a while. NO COMMITMENTS, except to the PLAN of course.

The start of my senior year was great at Converse...despite my Band being gone, I was determined to start over and make it the best year yet. My roomie AKA Sexy Turtle was awesome and allowed me to help her on her own journey with the Lord which inspired me to work on mine. The girls whom I had Bible Study with from my Sophomore to my Senior year, were all starting to grow up in the Lord and we learned to love each other through our good times and bad times. It was a neat reflection of God's desire for the church.

In fact, it was then that I made a commitment to myself that I would ALWAYS have good girl friends around me, because there is nothing sweeter than relationships with the same sex. I mean, we giggled and rolled around laughing like there was no tomorrow. Those 3 years were incredibly heart-warming and important to me. I would go as far as to say that they shaped alot of who I am today.

So with all this in mind, I was pretty stoked about the future. Boys were not part of the equation. I was so convinced of this that I told God that I wouldn't mind being single for the rest of my life. I mean, as long as I had some good Godly friends, I would be GREAT! Diane Lane in "Under the Tuscan Sun" was whom I thought I would live my life out to be. Romantic, Emotional, Vulnerable, but not dependent on boys. No siree!

Enter the Divine Thwarter: God

Since the Sunday at Hopepoint where I met Josh, I was eagerly anticipating September 29th. I was invited to practice with the Hopepoint band to play that Sunday. I tried to keep calm and cool but inside I was REALLY excited to be playing again.

I remember it like it was yesterday. It was a perfect Fall Saturday. Breezy but with some Sun peeking through the trees. It was a tee-shirt and sweat pants day.

Sexy Turtle and I woke up that morning to power walk through a nearby neighborhood followed by breakfast in the Dining Hall. We typically slept till 11am on Saturday mornings but I think Sexy Turtle convinced me to go work out somehow.

We finished the afternoon with my "Yoga for weight loss"  DVD whilst contemplating how we would get fit and skinny like those Yoga instructers. As we finished up, I realized that I was running a little behind to get to practice. I quickly showered and got dressed in my fave Giraffe LOVE shirt and I was off to practice...excited...full of anticipation.

And then I got there.

First thought "These guys are OLD and GROSS. I'm DEFINITELY NOT going to Fall in Love with any of them."

There was Daniel, who had pretty blue eyes but his beard...grody.
There was Lee, OLD.
There was Josh, VERY hairy.
And there was Stuart. Shy.

No one my type, which was GREAT because remember, I had a plan and my checklist was out the window so there was no need for me to scout for boys.

So I did what any girl would do after a perfect Saturday...I did my post yoga cool down stretches as I looked over the worship music, hoping next weekend would be as good.

Chapter 6: Flashback

On June 7th, many years ago, I was born to a humble family in Malaysia. Malaysia is HOT and HUMID but it is so incredibly beautiful. I loved and still love my country (I had to add this part because I recently became a citizen and it has been one of the hardest things for me to grasp)!

I grew up being pretty smart...well, by that I mean I got As and Bs and the occasional C. When I hit high school at age 13, I was a big deal. My group of friends and I were, if not the MOST popular kids in school, we were pretty high up there. People knew my name. It was weird. They would say hey to me and I'd think to myself "Who the * is that" Yes. I was a potty mouth. I was living a double life of serving Jesus on Sundays but being completely rid of Him from Monday-Friday. I was mean to kids who weren't popular--I never punched them, but I never had compassion for them either. They just didn't GET IT and who was I to help them figure it out. I was happy to be on top! My life consisted of ME, ME, ME and I was fine with that, Thank you very much. I mean, I was pretty, popular, kinda smart and all the teachers loved me. I was the girl you hate to love. And I wasn't afraid to brag about it either.

Some pretty rude awakenings took place. My Dad left us for America that year, my Mom was in a very deep depression so much so that she would forget to pick me up from school or she'd pick me up, leave me at home, and gamble with her friends. My sisters had their own lives which I didn't mind because whenever they took interest in me, it was to tell me to study and to advise me to ward off boys. There was a strict rule in my house--no dating until college--and I was fine with that because it actually made the boys want me more. HAH! But in all honesty, I was definitely becoming more and more out-of-control. It was not a pretty sight.

Being out-of-control at home made me more rebellious at school because I had control of who I was and what I could do with that power. I lost one group of friends because I didn't go into the smart class with them, so now with my newfound friends, I was even worse! We were all nice to each other of course, but the pride from being popular and involved at school got to all of us.

Thankfully, my internal struggles with the Lord began that year. I say "thankfully" because at least I was in conversation with God. I constantly asked "why me?" and "What did I do to deserve this?" Remember, I felt lots of entitlement during this time. So while it wasn't "Thank You Lord," it did start this interesting wrestling event with God's character. I knew God was good. We sang about it ALL the time. But why was He good? Why did people say that when He allowed so much pain. Yes, the typical "If God loves me, why am I sad?" type questions.

But with all things God-related. Change comes.

Yes. Things started changing. I would like to call these years my sobering years. The deep hurt that I was trying so hard to ignore and in turn lash out at school, started catching up with me. I could no longer ignore the fact that I was deeply missing a Father and deeply needing a Mother. But how does a 13year old voice that exactly? All we know to do is to turn to whomever would show us a glimmer of Love or self-worth. My best friend during that time was who I clung to. He was a year older than me, smarter (like he made ALL As) and he shared my love for music. While he made me feel all kinds of special, I knew somewhere in my heart that God was calling me to something bigger. Something unearthly. Something eternal.

While I would say I became a Christian at the ripe ole' age of 7, it wasn't until my teenage years that I truly had a two-sided conversation with God. I had no one else to talk to, really.

So my birthday started becoming very special to me. June 7th every year was a reminder of what the previous year held and what the next year promised. I spent every June 7th in deep thought and I journaled forever. I made promises to myself, to God; I wrote down hopes and dreams for myself and I recorded every single event that had happened that past year and how I was thankful that it did.

While my self-worth made no improvement, God's clear plan for my life did. I woke up one morning, at 16 years of age,  and the silent whisper came. "Go to America. Go be with your Dad."

Fast forward to an early morning on June 7th, 2007 in Gunnison, Colorado. Chas and myself were cycling to the church per usual. It was my 22nd birthday and it was the year I would finally get baptized. See, my sisters and I made a pact that we would only get baptized after our 21st birthday to honor our parents. We were raised Catholic but accepted Jesus on our own. I was excited that this day was here because now I could share my testimony with others about my Catholic upbringing and why Jesus offered salvation to us all, freely, without works.

While about an eye-shot from the church, Chas exclaimed loudly,

"Rachel! It's SNOWING! It's SNOWING! It's SNOWING ON YOUR BIRTHDAY!"

My heart leaped. I knew that God was speaking to me. I knew that this was the beginning of a new journey, with new promises and new dreams.

Chapter 5: Ugly Cry Fest

(Laura, Me, Krista, Courtney M)

Senior year began quickly. My new roomie, Laura aka Sexy Turtle, and I, aka Polar Bear, were inseparable. We were on a quest to find Jesus and to figure out His plan for our lives. K-Town, CB, CM, LD and me (girls in a College Bible Study that I led).
All 5 of us spent alot of time giggling as I remember. We were off to a good start.

I had pretty much forgotten about my minor breakdown when I found out I would no longer have a band...life goes on right?

Life was exciting. Through many walks and talks with my best buddies at Converse, I grew to love my time of singleness and my time in Sparkle city more and more. I remember CM and I talking until 2am one night, sitting on the patio of Montgomery and whilst reminicing on boys and the summer, I told her the Lord was changing my heart for Spartanburg. As a Freshmen I was happy I got to go home during the Summer because there was just NOTHING TO DO in Sparkle City but now, I was starting love it. Sparkle City may just be the place for me.

The first week of Sunago could not come quickly enough. I was so excited to see all my friends from other schools and catch up on what they did that summer. I was excited to tell everyone about Colorado and how God met me there. I was excited, excited, excited...but not ready.

~~So sometimes I have high hopes for myself AKA I don't let myself properly grieve and then when the time comes, I have major UGLY CRY.

Walking into the infamous Hanger auditorium, I watched nervously as some guys stood on stage. The very same stage that our band had been on; the very same instruments we had, except now, there were different people playing them. It was all too familiar... but not, because I wasn't up there. It wasn't the Sunago band. Robert and Grace...weren't there.

I peeled my eyes away from the worship leader who I'm sure felt the death rays from my eyes at the back of his head. I held back hot and angry tears from my eyes and resolved "The Lord has a plan" as I sat quietly.

To say I didn't worship is an understatement. I was in the midst of a full-out WAR in my heart.
"I cannot believe we have been so easily replaced!"
"Who are these people anyway?"
"Are they college students? Because this is a college-student-led-group"
"Are they just here for tonight?"

Apparently I had some sort of entitlement to all of this. My pride told me that I should DEMAND an answer to all my questions and disbeliefs. By the end of the night, the sweet Holy Spirit whom I am sure I very quickly quenched, opened my eyes. "Be still."

I felt so incredibly guilty for those nasty thoughts that after Sunago was finished, I forced my legs to lead me toward the stage.

The guys were packing up their things and I finally caught the Worship Leader's eye. I waved and smiled and thanked him for being there to lead us in Worship. He was rather abrupt when he saw me and after I named dropped AKA  saying "I was part of the band that used to lead worship here...", he smiled thoughtfully.

As I heard those words escape my mouth, it hit me really hard.

WAS

I was

I was with the band....

that USED to lead worship...

Here...

But before falling into deep despair, Josh, the Worship Leader exclaimed loudly "Ohhhh you're Rachel! The Keyboardist! I heard y'alls CD! You are really good! I wanted to see if you'd like to play with our band!"

Chapter 4:To Gather to Go!

SUNAGO: To Gather to Go (The name of our College ministry)


A picture perfect summer.
Breathing deeper than I have ever breathed before.
Contented.
Overwhelmed.
Rested.

Alot of my thoughts that summer swarmed around healing, adventure and solitude. And at the end of it, I was ready to come home, ready to start a new year at school--my senior year--and ready to take on every challenge there was. As if we hadn't already experienced enough challenges in Colorado...

 H, CG, Me, A, Chas

Each week, a missionary would be challenged. In fact, we would be attacked.

CG found out her Dad had cancer. H's house was hit by a tornado. Chas was incredibly homesick until she physically got ill and A's good friend was killed in a freak accident at a parade. I waited for my red letter and it came.

Robert was alot of things to me. He was the Worship Leader of the band I was in, a man I looked up to, a wonderful father of 2, an amazing husband, a talented musician, hysterical, comforting and caring.

Grace, his wife, was who I wanted to be as a woman, as a mom, as a wife. She was beautiful, fierce in her love for her children, had a voice that made your heart sink whenever she pleaded to God for mercy. She loved sharing secret smiles with Robert and she loved us, like we were her kids.

This amazing couple was my family away from family. In fact at times, I knew God sent them to me to show me what family is. They loved the Lord and loved serving Him. They opened their house to us, they cooked yummy food for us, they watched silly movies with us and shared their life and children with us. In fact, I prayed that my marriage would be like theirs; I prayed that I would take care of my family the way they took care of theirs; and I prayed that I would be family to college students who didn't have one. With Mitch the bassist, Will the Guitarist and Jimmy the drummer, we were a family. Our Sunago Worship Band wa a family.

So back to Colorado...

The facebook message came the week it was "my turn" to be challenged.

Robert and his family were leaving.

They were leaving South Carolina to....Louisiana.

"Louisiana?" I exclaimed, perplexed.

As tears rolled down my cheeks, I could hear the slow fainting of my heart. I was crushed. The Sunago Band was my identity. I was a keyboardist in this band. I was part of something real and good and fun. And now...it was gone.

~~Artists use their gift as their language. Music is mine. Whenever I lack the words to express heartbreak or joy, or anything I feel, I go to music. I played my heart out every Thursday night at Sunago, as if the music created was my very love letter to God. Every note and tune was inspired by Him and through this band, I got to the point in my own Walk, where it wasn't about performance any more, it was about true worship. Through our times of Worship, I was free to express my fear, my anxiety, my longing for something greater without worrying about the right notes, the right chords, what others would think...

What I experienced during our times of Worship was so intimate for me, even though we were in front of 100 or so college students. A successful band to me, is when each instrument can portray exactly what another instrumentalist feels in their heart, as if they were an extension of the music you play. The members of this band were my extensions. Robert and Grace sang MY heart's cries and MY heart's desires to our Maker. That was how deep our connection was. And now it would be no more.

~~I couldn't believe that I went to Colorado to be healed, but more things were being stripped away. I was angry and hurt but happy for them, but...sad for us. I was a hot mess to say the least.

Looking back, I see God's sovereign plan. As I mentioned earlier, God was stripping me of my identities...all the ones that weren't found in Him.

First, God took away the relationship I had with by ex because my self-worth was so connected to him loving me.

Then, God took away the relationships I had with the members of this band, because I felt like I belonged there and was safe, almost cliquey with this group of people.

God was sending me a message...that it was HIM alone who wanted to love me and who wanted to show me that I belonged with Him.

While it wasn't what I wanted to hear, and once again, I was kicking and screaming against God's apparent "Will-of-Sadness-and-Suffering" in my life, there really wasn't anything I could do. Yes I was mad and disappointed and perhaps I was even mad at God for all this.

But God.

But God.

But God.

God is good. He is kind. He is loving. He wants the best for me.

That is all I heard the Spirit tell me.

And each day it got easier, and my path got straighter and His light shone brighter. God was gathering me to Him, to be set apart; to Go when and where He would ask me to.

Chapter 3: Colorado

One of my prayers during this time of grieving was "WHAT Lord?"

I had learned earlier in my walk with the Lord that asking 'WHY' just made you end up going in circles. God doesn't answer Whys...more often than not, He remains silent and we remain frustrated with that silence. So I learned to ask what. When God chooses to allow hurricanes to devastate cities and towns and families, I asked Him, "What can I do to help, Lord?".

So along with this grief, I asked "WHAT?"...What should I do with my grief? What should I do with where I'm at right now? I was so tired of being Mopey-McMoperson and honestly I was just ready to start living again.

One day, the answer came clearly to me..."Give your life away."

Those few Words came like lightning in my heart. There was a new sense of awakening and passion to do what I was commanded. I knew that God would meet me wherever "Give your life away" led. So my search began.

At the time, I was reading David Jeremiah's book on grieving. It was pretty neat because it used the book of Psalms alot and I felt like David (King David) put my feelings into words when he wrote all these Psalms. Particularly, Psalm 13. While this book brought some healing to me, I was still determined to figure out how I would give my life away. Somewhere in the book, I read about serving and how serving brought healing to David Jeremiah's heart.

Slowly but surely, it became clear to me that those words meant I was to serve. Serve as a missionary.

The December of my Junior year marked the beginnings of my quest. I knew that the upcoming summer would be my last summer before I would have to be a grown up and find a real job (I was going to graduate the year after that). And if serving was going to bring my healing, then I definitely wanted to be healed as soon as possible.

One order of Healing please.

 New Orleans 9th Ward

At that point of my life, I had done about 4 mission trips and they were all life changing for me. I asked myself if I wanted to revisit any of those places: Pittsburgh innercity, Kids Camp, New Orleans 9th ward (went there twice). I didn't find peace.

Selfishly, I knew I could not go back to my hometown that summer anyway. And two of the mission trips I did involved my church where my ex and I both served. The mere thought of bumping into my ex made me want to vomit. I was NOT ready to face him or his family or RISK seeing them. Worse, be doing missions/camps with him. NO WAY.

So with many practical questions like....

"Where do I want to go?"

and

"What am I good at?"

I began my search.

IMB, WYWAM, NAMB....I went through all the organizations' websites to see if there was an open door.

I finally decided that I was going to stay in the States and went with NAMB. I picked Colorado because I have always wanted to go there and it sounded like an amazing adventure. I picked Trinity Baptist Church because I've always liked the word "Trinity" and the description of the church and the work to be done fit my child-loving/teaching capabilities. So I clicked on the link.

Many God-things happened. You can read about some of them HERE. And by May 31st, I was on a plane to Gunnison, Colorado. Population 5500 people. No movie theatre. 1 Walmart and possible Moose sightings in the past.

Gunnison took my breath away. It was beautiful, serene, magnificent...everything a city girl only dreamed of. The stars shone brighter, the water was cleaner and I swear to you the Dandelions were on steriods. Gunnison was a fairytale for my heart.

Giant Dandelions

But the most important thing that happened to my heart happened on one of the last weeks of being there. I did something very irresponsible and old-Rachel-like. See, I'm a selfish and spoiled person. I'm not even trying to be humble right now. I have always known that when I do things, I weigh the benefit it has for me and alot of the time, I don't think about other people's feelings. Without going into too much detail, I neglected to carry out one of my duties at church...not on purpose...but I can definitely see how I should have taken more responsibility.

Well, we (the 5 missionaries on the team) were confronted about it and I bawled like I've never bawled in my life.

Part of it was because I was just disappointed in myself but mostly it was because I was still so hurt by the break up and it was my first time releasing all the anger, disappointment, self-doubt, self-loathing-depression that I held on to the WHOLE summer.

God was trying to heal me...but I didn't realize that it was ME who was holding on to myself and what I did or did not do.

Colorado was absolutely beautiful. The mountains and sunsets and sunrises and rains took my breath away. All that time I was thanking God for the beauty in front of me and for what He was showing me that I didn't realize that He was showing me that I was worth more than all the sceneries there were in this world; that I was more beautiful than the tallest mountain; more precious that the deepest sunsets ; more loved than all of His creation.

I held on to my expectations for myself--to be perfect, to be put-together and meanwhile, God was trying to take these blinders away to show me that in my desperate need for help, I was the most beautiful thing to Him. In my absolute weakness, He was strong.


So my journey to healing took a huge step but the greatest step of all was only months away.

Chapter 2: I am Your Protector

For weeks and weeks after that dreadful Friday night, I spent my time with tons of people. I wouldn't let myself be alone. I had activity after activity planned...weekends jam packed with stuff to do or people to see...I felt stretched but as long as I wasn't crying, I thought I was doing pretty well.
 I also spent time emmersed in my new hobby, photography. My good friend C and I went galavanting across towns to take pictures of the sights and sounds offered to us! It was so much fun! We laughed so hard at all the mischief we "managed" and it was so good to be able to smile again.

I started gaining my confidence back and my hunger for life. My mopey stage was finally coming to an end and I could see light ahead.

At the end of the fun and games, the inevitable came.

Being alone.

At first, I feared it because I thought I wasn't strong enough; that the Friday night incident would come laughing me in the face while I drowned in self pity. I felt like a child learning how to walk and if there wasn't anyone with me, I'd fall and never try walking again.

But God was gracious and instead of fear, I found peace.


I spent alot of time developing negatives in the dark room and was amazed at what I saw. It was almost as if God was showing me things in those pictures. I knew I had taken them but I was always eager to see what they looked like once they were developed.  I was seeing the world in a new light. Pardon my pun. I started looking closely at things around me and was surprised to find God whispering to me. Be it in children, buildings, flowers, patterns...there was something divine about creation.

I was never sure of what God was saying. And I'm not sure if He was really saying anything to me. I just felt the comfort of His presence and it sustained me.

I remember walking to classes and feeling a gentle breeze in the air. It reminded me so much of God's gentle spirit and it moved me. I spent alot of time journaling by a fountain we had on campus. I was reminded each time I sat there that God's voice is like rushing waters. Perhaps that's why I felt such peace.

Tears came and went away but I wasn't ashamed anymore. I felt like God was peeling away the layers I had put on my heart to protect it. He wanted to be my protector but He knew I needed time to be reminded of who He was before I could trust Him with my wound.  

Chapter 1: Heartbroken

It began the summer after my sophomore year.

I was at the time heartbroken.
You know, the kind of heartbroken that makes your eyes water when someone asks you how you are. The kind that aches when you think about memories with that special someone; the kind that makes you hug your pillow tighter at night as if it would soothe the deep wounds in your heart.   

It was bad.

It was clear to me that God didn't want us together any longer but still, I felt like Jacob, wrestling with God and unable to trust Him. I struggled with wanting to let go and wanting to hold on. Asking questions like "Did I misunderstand you God?" I was so convinced that he was the one I was supposed to marry. So what now? My faith was shaken not because I didn't believe in God but I just couldn't believe I was so off in understanding His will in my life. I went through all the "What ifs" to see if I had maybe missed a sign here or a sign there.

Nothing.

Nothing but the glaringly obvious fact that we weren't together anymore and there was nothing left to say. Our end had come.

In college, I was a student leader for a few ministries here and there and led worship. I somewhat put pressure on myself to get over this relationship quickly because I didn't want other people to see how much it had hurt me and shaken me. I wanted them to think that I was a "Strong Christian" and therefore nothing phased me, especially an earthly relationship. I thought I was very in-tune with God and the Holy Spirit so the fact that this relationship didn't work out, seemed to me that I had lost that connection. I was ashamed and didn't want people to know what a great struggle it was.

I knew God was there with me...somewhere...but I wasn't ready to talk to Him yet. I felt like all my prayers were the same: "I can't do this. Help." Worse, I wasn't ready for Him to tell me, should He, that I may one day, possibly, never get married.

One night, mid-first sememster in College, I caught myself, at 8:07pm on a Friday night, crying, no sobbing, no, UGLY CRY-ing on my bed.
In my dorm.
Alone.
With the lights off.

I checked to see what time it was on my Dream Machine and once I saw that it was THAT early in the night and I was ALREADY in a pathetic condition, I jumped out of bed and almost slapped myself. I couldn't believe what self pity had done to me! I quickly wiped my face off, put on a cute dress and left to go to a nearby coffeeshop. I didn't care that I was going alone, I knew I would find friends there and as long as I was with people, I woudn't have to face the dread of loneliness and emptiness in my heart. I thought my plan would work.