Chapter 2: I am Your Protector

For weeks and weeks after that dreadful Friday night, I spent my time with tons of people. I wouldn't let myself be alone. I had activity after activity planned...weekends jam packed with stuff to do or people to see...I felt stretched but as long as I wasn't crying, I thought I was doing pretty well.
 I also spent time emmersed in my new hobby, photography. My good friend C and I went galavanting across towns to take pictures of the sights and sounds offered to us! It was so much fun! We laughed so hard at all the mischief we "managed" and it was so good to be able to smile again.

I started gaining my confidence back and my hunger for life. My mopey stage was finally coming to an end and I could see light ahead.

At the end of the fun and games, the inevitable came.

Being alone.

At first, I feared it because I thought I wasn't strong enough; that the Friday night incident would come laughing me in the face while I drowned in self pity. I felt like a child learning how to walk and if there wasn't anyone with me, I'd fall and never try walking again.

But God was gracious and instead of fear, I found peace.


I spent alot of time developing negatives in the dark room and was amazed at what I saw. It was almost as if God was showing me things in those pictures. I knew I had taken them but I was always eager to see what they looked like once they were developed.  I was seeing the world in a new light. Pardon my pun. I started looking closely at things around me and was surprised to find God whispering to me. Be it in children, buildings, flowers, patterns...there was something divine about creation.

I was never sure of what God was saying. And I'm not sure if He was really saying anything to me. I just felt the comfort of His presence and it sustained me.

I remember walking to classes and feeling a gentle breeze in the air. It reminded me so much of God's gentle spirit and it moved me. I spent alot of time journaling by a fountain we had on campus. I was reminded each time I sat there that God's voice is like rushing waters. Perhaps that's why I felt such peace.

Tears came and went away but I wasn't ashamed anymore. I felt like God was peeling away the layers I had put on my heart to protect it. He wanted to be my protector but He knew I needed time to be reminded of who He was before I could trust Him with my wound.  

Chapter 1: Heartbroken

It began the summer after my sophomore year.

I was at the time heartbroken.
You know, the kind of heartbroken that makes your eyes water when someone asks you how you are. The kind that aches when you think about memories with that special someone; the kind that makes you hug your pillow tighter at night as if it would soothe the deep wounds in your heart.   

It was bad.

It was clear to me that God didn't want us together any longer but still, I felt like Jacob, wrestling with God and unable to trust Him. I struggled with wanting to let go and wanting to hold on. Asking questions like "Did I misunderstand you God?" I was so convinced that he was the one I was supposed to marry. So what now? My faith was shaken not because I didn't believe in God but I just couldn't believe I was so off in understanding His will in my life. I went through all the "What ifs" to see if I had maybe missed a sign here or a sign there.

Nothing.

Nothing but the glaringly obvious fact that we weren't together anymore and there was nothing left to say. Our end had come.

In college, I was a student leader for a few ministries here and there and led worship. I somewhat put pressure on myself to get over this relationship quickly because I didn't want other people to see how much it had hurt me and shaken me. I wanted them to think that I was a "Strong Christian" and therefore nothing phased me, especially an earthly relationship. I thought I was very in-tune with God and the Holy Spirit so the fact that this relationship didn't work out, seemed to me that I had lost that connection. I was ashamed and didn't want people to know what a great struggle it was.

I knew God was there with me...somewhere...but I wasn't ready to talk to Him yet. I felt like all my prayers were the same: "I can't do this. Help." Worse, I wasn't ready for Him to tell me, should He, that I may one day, possibly, never get married.

One night, mid-first sememster in College, I caught myself, at 8:07pm on a Friday night, crying, no sobbing, no, UGLY CRY-ing on my bed.
In my dorm.
Alone.
With the lights off.

I checked to see what time it was on my Dream Machine and once I saw that it was THAT early in the night and I was ALREADY in a pathetic condition, I jumped out of bed and almost slapped myself. I couldn't believe what self pity had done to me! I quickly wiped my face off, put on a cute dress and left to go to a nearby coffeeshop. I didn't care that I was going alone, I knew I would find friends there and as long as I was with people, I woudn't have to face the dread of loneliness and emptiness in my heart. I thought my plan would work.