It began the summer after my sophomore year.
I was at the time heartbroken.
You know, the kind of heartbroken that makes your eyes water when someone asks you how you are. The kind that aches when you think about memories with that special someone; the kind that makes you hug your pillow tighter at night as if it would soothe the deep wounds in your heart.
You know, the kind of heartbroken that makes your eyes water when someone asks you how you are. The kind that aches when you think about memories with that special someone; the kind that makes you hug your pillow tighter at night as if it would soothe the deep wounds in your heart.
It was bad.
It was clear to me that God didn't want us together any longer but still, I felt like Jacob, wrestling with God and unable to trust Him. I struggled with wanting to let go and wanting to hold on. Asking questions like "Did I misunderstand you God?" I was so convinced that he was the one I was supposed to marry. So what now? My faith was shaken not because I didn't believe in God but I just couldn't believe I was so off in understanding His will in my life. I went through all the "What ifs" to see if I had maybe missed a sign here or a sign there.
Nothing.
Nothing but the glaringly obvious fact that we weren't together anymore and there was nothing left to say. Our end had come.
In college, I was a student leader for a few ministries here and there and led worship. I somewhat put pressure on myself to get over this relationship quickly because I didn't want other people to see how much it had hurt me and shaken me. I wanted them to think that I was a "Strong Christian" and therefore nothing phased me, especially an earthly relationship. I thought I was very in-tune with God and the Holy Spirit so the fact that this relationship didn't work out, seemed to me that I had lost that connection. I was ashamed and didn't want people to know what a great struggle it was.
I knew God was there with me...somewhere...but I wasn't ready to talk to Him yet. I felt like all my prayers were the same: "I can't do this. Help." Worse, I wasn't ready for Him to tell me, should He, that I may one day, possibly, never get married.
Nothing.
Nothing but the glaringly obvious fact that we weren't together anymore and there was nothing left to say. Our end had come.
In college, I was a student leader for a few ministries here and there and led worship. I somewhat put pressure on myself to get over this relationship quickly because I didn't want other people to see how much it had hurt me and shaken me. I wanted them to think that I was a "Strong Christian" and therefore nothing phased me, especially an earthly relationship. I thought I was very in-tune with God and the Holy Spirit so the fact that this relationship didn't work out, seemed to me that I had lost that connection. I was ashamed and didn't want people to know what a great struggle it was.
I knew God was there with me...somewhere...but I wasn't ready to talk to Him yet. I felt like all my prayers were the same: "I can't do this. Help." Worse, I wasn't ready for Him to tell me, should He, that I may one day, possibly, never get married.
One night, mid-first sememster in College, I caught myself, at 8:07pm on a Friday night, crying, no sobbing, no, UGLY CRY-ing on my bed.
In my dorm.
Alone.
With the lights off.
I checked to see what time it was on my Dream Machine and once I saw that it was THAT early in the night and I was ALREADY in a pathetic condition, I jumped out of bed and almost slapped myself. I couldn't believe what self pity had done to me! I quickly wiped my face off, put on a cute dress and left to go to a nearby coffeeshop. I didn't care that I was going alone, I knew I would find friends there and as long as I was with people, I woudn't have to face the dread of loneliness and emptiness in my heart. I thought my plan would work.
In my dorm.
Alone.
With the lights off.
I checked to see what time it was on my Dream Machine and once I saw that it was THAT early in the night and I was ALREADY in a pathetic condition, I jumped out of bed and almost slapped myself. I couldn't believe what self pity had done to me! I quickly wiped my face off, put on a cute dress and left to go to a nearby coffeeshop. I didn't care that I was going alone, I knew I would find friends there and as long as I was with people, I woudn't have to face the dread of loneliness and emptiness in my heart. I thought my plan would work.
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